Not a Quitter!

I was reading another motivational spark page again this morning and the girl, Feathergirl to be exact, was talking about how much she missed the happy her who she could still see in pictures… sound familiar?!? I guess I am not the only one. I get depressed when I think about the person I was during college – how much fun I had and just how comfortable I was with myself. I wasn’t skinny but I certainly wasn’t incredibly heavy and the best part was I was healthy and active and had plenty of energy. Now I no more than a bump on a log and it frustrates me. I know how Feathergirl feels… I look at pictures of myself from the end of college and when I first started dating my husband and I have a healthy glow and a twinkle in my eyes that aren’t there now. And the worst part, my struggle with my own insecurities and self image… something I haven’t experienced since I first went to college. And it SUCKS. I hate when I hear about people who are doing this or doing that and it makes me tired just to hear about it and all I want to do is take my lazy butt home and sit on the couch. Probably why I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I get out for a walk with my son cause it means I am not just sitting on my fat ass watching I could care less about on TV.

Tonight, walking with my son… there is a Lifetime movie on at 8pm that I want to watch which is even more motivation for me to get out on my walk ahead of time. And while I am watching the movie, I have full intentions of bringing out my resistance bands and attempting some toning…

The reason for my title for this entry (duh, I almost forgot all about it): Feathergirl also stated she wasn’t a quitter and neither am I. I have never quit at anything… not track in high school even though there were days I desperately wanted to; same with my last job; not school and that was thru six years of college and two degrees but it seems like I keep quitting with me. How could I let this happen? When did I decide I wasn’t important enough to stick to? To make sure I was the best me I could be and the healthiest, fittest and so on. Somewhere I quit; I gave up on myself and haven’t found the determination to put the time and effort into me that I have put into so many other things. Ugh, that makes me sick to my stomach just writing it.

Am I coming to an epiphany? Stay tuned and we shall see.

Inspiration!?!

You see, I didn't realize that year after year, my personality and my future were slowly being buried under a growing layer of fat.

This morning I happened upon a motivational spark story on my beloved sparkpeople! Above was a quote from the woman’s story; I learned she lost her first husband while they were still newlyweds, remarried and had a son, lost over 60 pounds and climbed Mt. Fuji... that’s right, and this is what I got out of her story.

But, this sentence seemed to best illustrate my life currently and so it is what I identified with. I can’t believe how a few words could hit home – and so hard! My husband told me the other day I was boring; now granted he was in a grumpy mood and had just gotten out of the hospital but still… things that make you go hm?!?! And he was kind of right; I can honestly say I am happy with what I have accomplished thus far, I love my husband, adore my son, am happy with my home and my job and yet… oh yes, here it comes… something seems to be missing. And I would bet my last dollar that something probably has a size 10 somewhere on the inside of it. Ha! I kid… I have admittedly become boring, lazy and lacking in the fun department. Now, mind you, I have a lot of ideas of fun but they’re pretty much stuck in my head… not much has been put to action. Heck, as I write this I am proud of myself for walking around town last night with my son and husband. And I have every right to be proud of myself because my other option most assuredly would have been to sit on my couch for some Sunday night television.
Whew – now that I have that out of the way, I can also realize the old Tiff most definitely would have considered a walk around town a warm up, would have been busy planning what she was going to do next and wouldn’t even know what shows are on TV, let alone considered it an option. Sigh I want to run, jump, play and have the energy to do it all over again. And therein lies the meaning of the oh so knowledgeable sparker – my life, along with my zest for life, my personality and my future, has become buried under my growing layer of fat. How awful to see that in black and white and know it is true. A perfect example – my husband’s employer’s family picnic is held at a regional amusement park; free food, free admission… so all in all, a great free day to enjoy the park and our biggest expense is the drive up and home and I said no… for two reasons 1) I thought I may possibly have ended up pregnant (which I wasn’t) and 2) I didn’t want to embarrass my husband or myself by my weight, including being too heavy to fit on the rides. Ugh; I am ashamed to write that even now but it is the God’s honest truth. We are taking the kids to the amusement park in August and I am now down to a month and a half before I may be required to ride the roller coasters and other such rides – who made those things so small to begin with??? I know at this weight last fall I was incredibly uncomfortable and barely fit in a couple of rides; I would like to be at least 15 pounds smaller by mid-August. In the meantime, I would also like to keep walking and working on some toning and core exercises so that even if I am not 15 pounds smaller everything might be pulled in some thereby increasing my chances of fitting…

Spring Motivation...

So I know it has been a while since I have posted anything – I have no excuse for that as I haven’t been so busy… scratch that, I actually have been incredibly busy. But still, I didn’t make the time to write an entry and I could have… it has been the same story with everything else in my life. I definitely have a lot on my plate but still need to make a conscience effort to put me first and that doesn’t mean taking extra time to sit on the couch and put my feet up. I got my period yesterday morning so I know I am not pregnant, that said, I have another month where I need to concentrate on putting myself first and that includes food and working out. On a high note, I got on the scale and lost 4 pounds so I weighed in at 274 (which also means I had gotten back up to 278)! And the best part about this is it was the first day of my period which means I usually weigh 5 pounds more. I was pretty pumped… enough to be conscious of the food choices I was making yesterday and enough to be so excited about it that I went walking and played with my son at the park.

I have had a lot of things going on at work but more in my personal life and it has been difficult for me to deal with. I am continually thinking about my personal situation and stressing about it and I know that is not good for me and certainly not helping the situation. I have said it before and am hoping that this time I mean it but I need to take care of me and get myself healthy. I cannot nag my husband about his bad habits and bad choices if I continually feed my face and sit around the house, can I? I want to be a better example for my son and if I were to end up pregnant, I want to know that it is going to be a healthy pregnancy because I was making healthy choices before it happened.

I have three weeks left in the month of May and would like to be at 269 or lower by the end of the month. I know 5 pounds doesn’t seem like a lot but I don’t remember being that number in a long time so that’s my goal – five pounds isn’t easy for me apparently. I already have plans to workout, most likely with a video, tonight as it is just me and my son and then maybe getting up early tomorrow morning to start a morning workout regimen. If I keep putting it off until evening it doesn’t seem to be something I am getting to. Plus with it being spring and all and the weather being so nice I can’t help but get up, enjoy the sun coming up and wanting to accomplish something!

Overall, and I am sure I have said this before, I need to feel good about myself. I am tired of trying so hard for other people and getting nothing out of it. I am a confident person outside but struggle with the person I am on the inside and that is not a good mix – I feel fake. I like the cliché of I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired because it is the God’s honest truth. I don’t have the energy to do the things I want to do and I know it is affecting how I spend time with my son, how I spend time with my husband and friends and how I feel about myself and it is not fair to anyone. I am hoping through my own self motivation and prayer that I can fight this battle until I either end up pregnant or skinny!

Over Chocolated...

So I didn’t write yesterday as I had planned but it was actually a very busy day…

Let’s see, how am I feeling today? Bloated and crampy but it is that time of the month. Aside from that, I am still feeling guilty/bad about myself because I have gone another evening and morning without doing anything for my body. Yesterday I completely lost control of myself and ate various pieces of chocolate candy throughout the day and also bought myself a king size Milky Way when I finished up at the store last night; to top it off, somewhere around 10 pm I ate the rest of the mint chocolate chip ice cream topped off with Hershey’s chocolate syrup. If it counts for anything, I didn’t eat much for dinner… I know, logically, it would have been more beneficial had I eaten a little more dinner and a little less snacks.

I have decided I know I need to do at least two or three things: 1) I need to get up off my lazy ass and get to moving 2) I need to figure out why I eat – I mean, duh, we all eat to live but I am referring to why I eat when I am not hungry, or when I know I am full but can’t stop… things like that. So those are my two big picture goals – not necessarily something tangible or measureable so to speak but important to my making healthy and life altering changes! Now it is just a matter of figuring out how…

Getting down to Business… (long)

So, where to begin after so long of not saying anything… oh, I know…. Let’s start at the very beginning. That’s right, my fat ass is still fat and lazy. Mind you, I am not disrespecting myself so much as stating the facts (in a kind of harsh tone I suppose). I weighed in this morning at 276.8 which I thought wasn’t too awful considering. I will be starting my period tomorrow – so no baby for me – and ate horribly over the weekend. Can you say ice cream? Pie? Chips and dip? Eating when I am not hungry?!?! It’s frustrating just to write this stuff down. Last night, I had every intention of picking up my son and taking him for a couple of laps at the park and what did I do? Went home and did not a damn thing. And then I told myself I would do some low key Pilates at least to make myself feel good and what did I do? Put my PJs on and called it a night.

I don’t know how I let myself get so fat and lazy but when I think about it, which I have been doing non-stop since this morning, it makes me wonder how did I get to this point. When did sitting on the couch become more important to me than taking a walk with my son? When did I choose to eat everything I wanted as opposed to having some self control over what I do? When did I decide that I COULD eat whatever I wanted?

How disappointing that I can be a perfect example of what eating poorly and lack of exercise will ultimately result. We had our weigh in again here at work but it took place in the middle of the afternoon – stupid – and I was up a little, duh because it was the middle of the afternoon, but still below my starting weight so that has to count for something. BUT is not an excuse for how I have been behaving. And now that we have my husband doing better, eating better, and not drinking nearly as much soda he has actually dropped around 15 pounds so I am being left behind… pitiful considering I have been trying to lose weight for, um, the last six years.

I do not have a choice any longer; I can no longer continue treating my body this way, letting myself get so out of touch that I eat whenever I feel like. I am out of shape to the point that I have become one of those people who is out of breath when I reach the top of the steps in my home; I could feel fatigue in my thighs from simply taking the garbage can to the end of the driveway and then walking back up the incline (which is not the difficult). I don’t understand the pattern but no that I will lose three or four pounds and then gain them all back plus one or two. I try to remember what I felt like to weigh 175/180 when I graduated college; to wear size 10/12 pants and dresses – to actually wear dresses and feel comfortable doing so; to cross my legs comfortably and without one or both going numb from lack of circulation. Right now, I would like to remember the weight I was following the birth of my son – the six week check up where I was between 245 and 250 – seriously! Funny, back then that was a horrible weight and I wanted to lose and now I would kill to be back to that weight.

More tomorrow as it is nearing the end of my day but seriously… I have a lot more thinking to do and it will probably show up in my post tomorrow (I need to be more serious about a lot of things that I have been lazy about, including getting some posts up to completely journal my thoughts, feelings and journey).

Last note: I believe we may end up going to my husband’s company picnic in June (?) which is held at an amusement park. I am currently around the same weight, or a little higher, than I was when we went to an amusement park in September and I couldn’t hardly fit into the roller coaster rides… I don’t want to have that experience again so my goal is to get a lot fitter and lose 10 – 20 pounds within the next two months. I am afraid as I have set goals for myself before and haven’t even come close – as a matter of fact, gone backwards – but I can’t not do it this time, as I said before, I have no choice…. My health, my life and my everything is on the line.

Another Week, Another Weigh-In, Another Ramble

We had our Biggest Loser weigh-ins on Tuesday and I didn’t gain anything which is always good… I lost two pounds for what it’s worth. I could complain that it was the beginning of that time of the month but at the same time I could argue the opposite in that, for every weigh in, it has been at the beginning of that time of the month!

I am glad I didn’t lose but was feeling much better the week prior and know my numbers would have looked a lot better. I want to lose 10 pounds for the last weigh in… that will be a total of 15 pounds I think. I know, I want to lose double what I have lost in the last eight weeks but I am okay with that. I have been eating pretty well and more active this week than I have been in the last, well, eight weeks.

This has been yet another month where I ended up not pregnant (which ended up being a good thing considering events last night that I rather not get into right now) but still… when I think about how we have been kind of trying for the last four or five months with nothing if I could have lost at least seven pounds each month I would be 30 – 35 pounds lighter right now. So I am disappointed in myself and once things get in a little more order at home over the next couple of weeks I am really going to focus on myself. The weather is getting nicer and it makes me feel good just to be outside. We have bicycles now and I really enjoyed the ride we took this week so I need to get more used to the bike. Plus, I want to start running again – nothing spectacular but I would like to be able to run four or five miles without it killing me and right now I think a quarter mile would kill me!

I weighed myself this morning and it was 274.4 which kind of surprised me but I am chalking it up to still be that time of the month and being bloated. That said I am planning on not weighing in for a while and going by the way my clothes fit me; right now they are fitting better… my clothes are looser and so are some of my shirts. I need to go shopping for pants since I obviously cannot wear corduroys during the spring but would like go down one size; I am currently a 22 and would like to shop for 20s so we will see as I am in desperate need for clothes, especially pants, and don’t know if I will be able to wait until I am down a size.

Oh well, we’re going to the in-laws this weekend and it always screws up my eating…

Not Too Shabby

So, after my weight had gone up a couple of pounds – which didn’t surprise me as I had been bloated and feeling somewhat constipated – it went back down to 271.4; I am hoping to be around 265 – 268 by next Tuesday morning for the weigh in here at work.

I feel like I am incredibly conscious of what I have been eating and how much and trying to make healthier choices. I had bought a couple of bottles of sparkling water and it is delicious and it is a nice alternative when I am more in the mood for soda. I am really trying to pay close attention to portion sizes as I think that is one of the biggest challenges I have. In addition to that, giving up the chocolate candy hasn’t been easy but I think has made a huge difference.

A lot of the bloating has gone away, I have more energy and my pants are fitting me looser – all giving me motivation… yay! I have 2.6 pounds to lose and then I will get myself new sneakers as these pounds or so have been the hardest thing I have ever had to do – and this from a woman who has given birth. I have lost and gain this weight so many times that I would be skinny if it was all loss :) That said, while we were hiking/ walking on Saturday my foot really started bothering me because my sneaks were not giving me near enough support… I am going to start looking up some good sneakers online so I am prepared when it is my turn to buy!

I am looking forward to an awesome week – although five pounds may be a stretch that is my goal. (the only thing I am scared about is hubby is going away for the weekend and I enjoy eating when I am alone – yikes!)