Getting down to Business… (long)

So, where to begin after so long of not saying anything… oh, I know…. Let’s start at the very beginning. That’s right, my fat ass is still fat and lazy. Mind you, I am not disrespecting myself so much as stating the facts (in a kind of harsh tone I suppose). I weighed in this morning at 276.8 which I thought wasn’t too awful considering. I will be starting my period tomorrow – so no baby for me – and ate horribly over the weekend. Can you say ice cream? Pie? Chips and dip? Eating when I am not hungry?!?! It’s frustrating just to write this stuff down. Last night, I had every intention of picking up my son and taking him for a couple of laps at the park and what did I do? Went home and did not a damn thing. And then I told myself I would do some low key Pilates at least to make myself feel good and what did I do? Put my PJs on and called it a night.

I don’t know how I let myself get so fat and lazy but when I think about it, which I have been doing non-stop since this morning, it makes me wonder how did I get to this point. When did sitting on the couch become more important to me than taking a walk with my son? When did I choose to eat everything I wanted as opposed to having some self control over what I do? When did I decide that I COULD eat whatever I wanted?

How disappointing that I can be a perfect example of what eating poorly and lack of exercise will ultimately result. We had our weigh in again here at work but it took place in the middle of the afternoon – stupid – and I was up a little, duh because it was the middle of the afternoon, but still below my starting weight so that has to count for something. BUT is not an excuse for how I have been behaving. And now that we have my husband doing better, eating better, and not drinking nearly as much soda he has actually dropped around 15 pounds so I am being left behind… pitiful considering I have been trying to lose weight for, um, the last six years.

I do not have a choice any longer; I can no longer continue treating my body this way, letting myself get so out of touch that I eat whenever I feel like. I am out of shape to the point that I have become one of those people who is out of breath when I reach the top of the steps in my home; I could feel fatigue in my thighs from simply taking the garbage can to the end of the driveway and then walking back up the incline (which is not the difficult). I don’t understand the pattern but no that I will lose three or four pounds and then gain them all back plus one or two. I try to remember what I felt like to weigh 175/180 when I graduated college; to wear size 10/12 pants and dresses – to actually wear dresses and feel comfortable doing so; to cross my legs comfortably and without one or both going numb from lack of circulation. Right now, I would like to remember the weight I was following the birth of my son – the six week check up where I was between 245 and 250 – seriously! Funny, back then that was a horrible weight and I wanted to lose and now I would kill to be back to that weight.

More tomorrow as it is nearing the end of my day but seriously… I have a lot more thinking to do and it will probably show up in my post tomorrow (I need to be more serious about a lot of things that I have been lazy about, including getting some posts up to completely journal my thoughts, feelings and journey).

Last note: I believe we may end up going to my husband’s company picnic in June (?) which is held at an amusement park. I am currently around the same weight, or a little higher, than I was when we went to an amusement park in September and I couldn’t hardly fit into the roller coaster rides… I don’t want to have that experience again so my goal is to get a lot fitter and lose 10 – 20 pounds within the next two months. I am afraid as I have set goals for myself before and haven’t even come close – as a matter of fact, gone backwards – but I can’t not do it this time, as I said before, I have no choice…. My health, my life and my everything is on the line.