Sounding Cliche... most likely

As I am writing this we are already three weeks into 2009 and I can’t think of anything significant that I have accomplished so far this year. And frankly, I haven’t specifically set any goals for myself thus far – I intend to change that right now. Usually, it is better for me to write them down… although my track record so far has not been outstanding when it comes to goals, including those I have written down (or typed up if I want to be precise).

To list them now and then elaborate on each seems to be the best and easiest plan of action. I would like to lose weight, get healthier which includes eating better and getting more active, I want to become certified in my line of work, grow closer with my husband and grow closer to God, and finally have another baby. Now on to my elaboration…

Let’s see: I am fat, I make no secret of that. I weighed in yesterday morning for my company's Biggest Loser challenge at 283 pounds. At this point, it is a miserably depressing and lazy kind of fat that disappoints me like none other. I always said if I let myself get as heavy as I did when I went to college that I would do something about it right away. Now, I have had a child but I do not consider that an excuse; especially considering I weigh close to what I weighed nine months pregnant – absolutely no excuse. To make matters worse, at least when I went to college I was in better shape then than I am now. I am pitifully approximately 25 to 30 pounds heavier than I was when I went for my six week check up after having my son. No wonder I am depressed. I was talking amongst friends yesterday and said I still haven’t heard the bad news – my turning point if you will – that will make me change my ways and motivate me to be a healthier person.

Great segue into my next goal – getting healthier! Not only do I know I am fat by the size clothes I wear, by looking in the mirror, by the number on the scale but I feel it! I have no inkling to do anything – NOTHING. I have to make a conscious effort when I realize I am being lazy to actually get up and do something whether it be clean my house, play with my son or anything else. To me that is sad. I don’t eat for energy, although I know I should. Does the cliché: do not live to eat but eat to live ring any bells? That is the story of my life right now. I will spend more time with a bag of chocolate than I will working out. I love going to the gym and I do it for the feeling it gives me and because I like the tone feeling and yet… I continue to sit on my couch and watch television. For me, eating healthy does not even need to be something drastic – I know this. I need to watch my portions and cut out some things… like bags of chocolate and yet I will continue feeding my face. I am anticipating the spring season and I love to be outside doing things – last year I can’t say I did that much. I want that to change… I want to be out there going for walks whenever I have a chance, hiking with my family, working in the garden, biking with my husband – there is a certain look of active health that could be difficult to describe but I know it when I see it. It’s kind of like that healthy tan you see on a person that you know they got from just doing things outside as opposed to laying out or going to a tanning salon. Aside from my rambling I want to have the healthy like I play outdoors all day long look and I obviously can’t get that from sitting on my big butt in my house, on my couch, eating bon bons.

The certified in my line of work is an easy want – I work in HR and I want to be certified as a PHR, a professional in human resources. It is actually part of my 2008 -2009 goals and I didn’t get it do to the testing schedule and so forth and I didn’t have the money so this is something I intend to accomplish during the testing period in the spring.

Growing closer to my husband – I could babble on this one forever but our relationship is like a roller coaster and I want that to end. I want us to be happy and satisfied being together and appreciate each other for who we are without expecting something that is so far out of reach thereby making each of us miserable with each other. I want us to stop fighting with each other and instead use that energy to build each other up! I want us to be best friends and be a team as opposed to foes… we need to rebuild our trust in each other and fall in love again (cliché again, I know).

Growing closer to God probably deserves an entry all its own and I think that’s what I intend to do when I am in the right frame of mind. Right now, I am not there to comprehensively write about where I am and where I want to be.

And last but certainly not least I want to have another child. I would love to say I am pregnant already but that is not the case; I am actually on the first day of my monthly visitor as we speak… ugh. I love my son to the end of the earth and would like nothing better than to give him another brother and sister. And although my husband and I have been trying without focusing on trying nothing has happened. And here goes the viscous circle…

I don’t think I have been able to get pregnant due to my weight; I think part of the problem with my husband and my relationship is me and it is because I am unhappy with myself; I think I am unhappy with myself because I have let my weight and my healthy become so unhealthy that is does nothing but bring me down. I have allowed myself to get to a disappointed state to where I can’t enjoy the life I have and will now have to slowly begin the arduous journey of pulling myself up, wiping off the back of my pants and getting on with the life God has blessed me with.

I am blessed; I have a loving husband, a beautiful son and great job and so much more. I take my life for granted and cannot continue to do so. Currently my weight is incredibly out of hand and my mind is about on the same lines. I see pictures of folks I know – I graduated with – who look so happy, like they are enjoying life – and I don’t feel that way for myself. If anything, seeing my weight yesterday and then some of those pictures… they are at least my motivation for starting this blog.

To end on a cliché: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.