I weighed in this morning at a whopping 271.6 pounds – down 1.8 pounds (I was 273.4)! I knew – I could feel it as a matter of fact because my stomach was less bloated and I felt like I could suck it in further.
And then, this morning, when I usually would have eaten four frozen waffles – toasted of course – I only had two and I was done with them. I find, that my dilemma now is not know what I am hungry for which it makes it difficult to figure out what I want to eat while at the same time making healthy choices AND if I am unable to figure out what I want to eat and then I get too hungry I end up splurging. This is something I will have to work on; as I sit here I intend to look thru my recipe books and some recipe websites for some tasty ideas.
Oh well, I need to peruse the recipes and actually get a work out in today!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
New Month; New Goals
It is like spring time outside – I think that is great. When the winter sucks – and our winter has; hardly any snow, it didn’t get too cold that much – it just makes me ready for spring. Fresh green leaves on the trees, flowers coming up… everything. Now granted it will only last for about a day; it is supposed to rain tonight and then get colder for the rest of the week. Sigh
Well, anyway, I am feeling really good. Lent started on Wednesday and I gave up chocolate candy and intend to work out for a half hour at least three times a week. I actually am doing okay with the chocolate candy thing; I don’t know if it is because I know I can have other chocolate if need be or what but I get a hankering every now and then and then it is gone. And to date – I know it has only been a little over two days – but I haven’t had any chocolate so I feel like that is a small accomplishment all by itself. To top it off, I have been paying more attention to my food portions, especially in the last week or two, and I can tell it is doing something. I have lost three pounds since the last weigh in here at work and it could possible be more. Jeans that were too tight around the waist a couple of weeks ago have loosened and are actually comfortable to wear again. I can’t wait ‘til they are falling off.
With the spring weather it has me thinking of the summer weather too… I don’t want to be a fatty for the summer. I’m being graphic here but sweat in my back fat rolls is not a pretty picture. I want to have jeans that are comfortable to wear; I want to have legs and arms that are toned for shorts and t-shirts… I don’t have to be skinny but I want to at least look strong and healthy in whatever size fits me. PLUS I want to have energy to enjoy the summer without feeling blah and lazy the whole time… So I am feeling good. A lot less bloated, a bit more energy and very conscious of what I am doing and not doing.
Tomorrow is the last day of the month and I was weighing in around 273 – I have been stuck between this number and 276 for the last few months and I am ready to get past it in a downward direction… I am thinking I would like to be below 260 by the end of March. This is about 13 pounds which is about 3 pounds per week and I am fine with that. Who knows what will happen within that month but that is my goal. I will be hitting the grocery store, most likely on Monday, to ensure I am stocked up for healthy eating and I have some new recipes I would like to try and I have to start working out whether it be walking or getting to the gym. By rights I am a big girl and initially – if I really put my mind to it – I should be able to lose more than 13 pounds because I know my body and it typically responds well to healthy changes and I experience a big drop within a couple of weeks but I am not counting on it this time because I am afraid I have seriously screwed up my metabolism; so after some research and reading some articles that will be the other thing I concentrate on while working out… some metabolism boosting exercises to get my body back up and running.
Oh well, that is all for now – hoping for a good weekend and the strength and motivation to stick with my goals!
Well, anyway, I am feeling really good. Lent started on Wednesday and I gave up chocolate candy and intend to work out for a half hour at least three times a week. I actually am doing okay with the chocolate candy thing; I don’t know if it is because I know I can have other chocolate if need be or what but I get a hankering every now and then and then it is gone. And to date – I know it has only been a little over two days – but I haven’t had any chocolate so I feel like that is a small accomplishment all by itself. To top it off, I have been paying more attention to my food portions, especially in the last week or two, and I can tell it is doing something. I have lost three pounds since the last weigh in here at work and it could possible be more. Jeans that were too tight around the waist a couple of weeks ago have loosened and are actually comfortable to wear again. I can’t wait ‘til they are falling off.
With the spring weather it has me thinking of the summer weather too… I don’t want to be a fatty for the summer. I’m being graphic here but sweat in my back fat rolls is not a pretty picture. I want to have jeans that are comfortable to wear; I want to have legs and arms that are toned for shorts and t-shirts… I don’t have to be skinny but I want to at least look strong and healthy in whatever size fits me. PLUS I want to have energy to enjoy the summer without feeling blah and lazy the whole time… So I am feeling good. A lot less bloated, a bit more energy and very conscious of what I am doing and not doing.
Tomorrow is the last day of the month and I was weighing in around 273 – I have been stuck between this number and 276 for the last few months and I am ready to get past it in a downward direction… I am thinking I would like to be below 260 by the end of March. This is about 13 pounds which is about 3 pounds per week and I am fine with that. Who knows what will happen within that month but that is my goal. I will be hitting the grocery store, most likely on Monday, to ensure I am stocked up for healthy eating and I have some new recipes I would like to try and I have to start working out whether it be walking or getting to the gym. By rights I am a big girl and initially – if I really put my mind to it – I should be able to lose more than 13 pounds because I know my body and it typically responds well to healthy changes and I experience a big drop within a couple of weeks but I am not counting on it this time because I am afraid I have seriously screwed up my metabolism; so after some research and reading some articles that will be the other thing I concentrate on while working out… some metabolism boosting exercises to get my body back up and running.
Oh well, that is all for now – hoping for a good weekend and the strength and motivation to stick with my goals!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Lent is coming...
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I don’t know why but when I say this verse it sounds almost cliché to me… or too simple. And yet, I feel stronger today than I did yesterday and I want to have faith that I will be accomplish every and anything – of course, most specifically, I want to be fit and healthy while at the same time achieving a manageable weight.
I weighed in this morning for our Biggest Loser competition here at work and I lost three pounds. Yes, it is a loss but that was in four weeks time – big deal. That is less than one pound per week which is disappointing in a way; I could have gained as I changed my eating habits some but not much more than that.
I feel refocused though and am looking forward to the next four weeks. Lent starts next Wednesday and not only will I be giving up chocolate (or at least chocolate candy) but I will also commit to working out at least three times per week at 45 minutes each time. After doing some research – and in all the successful weight loss stories and blogs you read the person did their research – I have come to the conclusion that at this point my metabolism is sitting at null. I could probably starve myself for the next five days and gain a pound, seriously! So I know increasing my water intake, continuing to take my vitamins and getting my body in motion while still paying attention to what I am eating needs to be the trick.
I think the getting my body moving part is really what is missing and I hate to think how out of shape I have let myself get. I was writing a journal entry at home because I needed to get my thoughts on paper and I noticed some things that are distressing to say the least… heart palpitations, labored breathing from climbing a flight of steps, hardly any activity on my part… and it all seems to be a vicious circle. I am feeling lazy so I won’t get up and take a walk, I won’t take a walk so my body has no energy and as a result I end up lazy. I have to kick this in the butt… My husband deserves a healthier example, my son deserves a healthy and energetic mom and damn it! I deserve better!!!
So, as part of my Lent commitment, I will be keeping God/ Christ in the forefront – thru praying and so on in order to achieve my goals. And who better to have as a supporter?
I weighed in this morning for our Biggest Loser competition here at work and I lost three pounds. Yes, it is a loss but that was in four weeks time – big deal. That is less than one pound per week which is disappointing in a way; I could have gained as I changed my eating habits some but not much more than that.
I feel refocused though and am looking forward to the next four weeks. Lent starts next Wednesday and not only will I be giving up chocolate (or at least chocolate candy) but I will also commit to working out at least three times per week at 45 minutes each time. After doing some research – and in all the successful weight loss stories and blogs you read the person did their research – I have come to the conclusion that at this point my metabolism is sitting at null. I could probably starve myself for the next five days and gain a pound, seriously! So I know increasing my water intake, continuing to take my vitamins and getting my body in motion while still paying attention to what I am eating needs to be the trick.
I think the getting my body moving part is really what is missing and I hate to think how out of shape I have let myself get. I was writing a journal entry at home because I needed to get my thoughts on paper and I noticed some things that are distressing to say the least… heart palpitations, labored breathing from climbing a flight of steps, hardly any activity on my part… and it all seems to be a vicious circle. I am feeling lazy so I won’t get up and take a walk, I won’t take a walk so my body has no energy and as a result I end up lazy. I have to kick this in the butt… My husband deserves a healthier example, my son deserves a healthy and energetic mom and damn it! I deserve better!!!
So, as part of my Lent commitment, I will be keeping God/ Christ in the forefront – thru praying and so on in order to achieve my goals. And who better to have as a supporter?
Friday, January 23, 2009
More thoughts after the last couple of days...
I am feeling so frustrated with myself today, urgh. After so many years of trying to lose weight, one would think that I should have it down by this point. I should know the principles; I should be sick and tired of being fat and feeling it. And yet, here I sit – my belly too fat to fit in my jeans so it is uncomfortably hanging over the top (I know, not a pretty picture). I am bloated, feeling like a slug and yet – did that stop me today from indulging in a piece of chocolate… no, it did not. And so now one of my most frustrating struggles is figuring out why I continue to eat when it is not something I want to do and to top it off, I can consciously recognize when I am eating and shouldn’t be and yet still cannot stop myself. Last night for example, I made a big pot of homemade beef stew out of leftover pot roast and I tore it up. I mean I had two and a half bowls even though I was full after the first. Now, common practice would be for me to ask myself how I was feeling… as if this feeling is what made me continue to eat. I was feeling just fine; not too sad, wasn’t feeling stressed I was actually feeling pretty good. I had a good day at work, got home and took a walk with my husband and son and then made the stew. And I enjoyed the stew – as a matter of fact I really enjoyed the stew. The only I ended up feeling was guilty about the fact that I had eaten too much. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know I weigh an incredible amount – when I weighed in for our company program I weighed as much as I did when I was full term with my son. I am disgusted with myself but not enough so to do something about it. I have the best of intentions and yet it is getting me nowhere.
The fact that this situation doesn’t make sense to me pisses me off. I am a smart woman, two college degrees and I can handle practically any and everything but am unable to handle myself. And it is simple; eat a certain number of calories and try to move every day and yet I am stuck. The worst part is I have let myself get to this point and now I don’t have the energy to get myself out of it. I like to go to the gym; I like going for walks and I like all food which includes healthy food and yet here I sit.
I am going to look online right now to see if there is anything there that will help trigger my motivation… get me going so to speak. Give me hope – I think there is a part of me that wants to succeed and another part of me that doesn’t think I can, that gets in the way.
I am just incredibly frustrated right now.
The fact that this situation doesn’t make sense to me pisses me off. I am a smart woman, two college degrees and I can handle practically any and everything but am unable to handle myself. And it is simple; eat a certain number of calories and try to move every day and yet I am stuck. The worst part is I have let myself get to this point and now I don’t have the energy to get myself out of it. I like to go to the gym; I like going for walks and I like all food which includes healthy food and yet here I sit.
I am going to look online right now to see if there is anything there that will help trigger my motivation… get me going so to speak. Give me hope – I think there is a part of me that wants to succeed and another part of me that doesn’t think I can, that gets in the way.
I am just incredibly frustrated right now.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sounding Cliche... most likely
As I am writing this we are already three weeks into 2009 and I can’t think of anything significant that I have accomplished so far this year. And frankly, I haven’t specifically set any goals for myself thus far – I intend to change that right now. Usually, it is better for me to write them down… although my track record so far has not been outstanding when it comes to goals, including those I have written down (or typed up if I want to be precise).
To list them now and then elaborate on each seems to be the best and easiest plan of action. I would like to lose weight, get healthier which includes eating better and getting more active, I want to become certified in my line of work, grow closer with my husband and grow closer to God, and finally have another baby. Now on to my elaboration…
Let’s see: I am fat, I make no secret of that. I weighed in yesterday morning for my company's Biggest Loser challenge at 283 pounds. At this point, it is a miserably depressing and lazy kind of fat that disappoints me like none other. I always said if I let myself get as heavy as I did when I went to college that I would do something about it right away. Now, I have had a child but I do not consider that an excuse; especially considering I weigh close to what I weighed nine months pregnant – absolutely no excuse. To make matters worse, at least when I went to college I was in better shape then than I am now. I am pitifully approximately 25 to 30 pounds heavier than I was when I went for my six week check up after having my son. No wonder I am depressed. I was talking amongst friends yesterday and said I still haven’t heard the bad news – my turning point if you will – that will make me change my ways and motivate me to be a healthier person.
Great segue into my next goal – getting healthier! Not only do I know I am fat by the size clothes I wear, by looking in the mirror, by the number on the scale but I feel it! I have no inkling to do anything – NOTHING. I have to make a conscious effort when I realize I am being lazy to actually get up and do something whether it be clean my house, play with my son or anything else. To me that is sad. I don’t eat for energy, although I know I should. Does the cliché: do not live to eat but eat to live ring any bells? That is the story of my life right now. I will spend more time with a bag of chocolate than I will working out. I love going to the gym and I do it for the feeling it gives me and because I like the tone feeling and yet… I continue to sit on my couch and watch television. For me, eating healthy does not even need to be something drastic – I know this. I need to watch my portions and cut out some things… like bags of chocolate and yet I will continue feeding my face. I am anticipating the spring season and I love to be outside doing things – last year I can’t say I did that much. I want that to change… I want to be out there going for walks whenever I have a chance, hiking with my family, working in the garden, biking with my husband – there is a certain look of active health that could be difficult to describe but I know it when I see it. It’s kind of like that healthy tan you see on a person that you know they got from just doing things outside as opposed to laying out or going to a tanning salon. Aside from my rambling I want to have the healthy like I play outdoors all day long look and I obviously can’t get that from sitting on my big butt in my house, on my couch, eating bon bons.
The certified in my line of work is an easy want – I work in HR and I want to be certified as a PHR, a professional in human resources. It is actually part of my 2008 -2009 goals and I didn’t get it do to the testing schedule and so forth and I didn’t have the money so this is something I intend to accomplish during the testing period in the spring.
Growing closer to my husband – I could babble on this one forever but our relationship is like a roller coaster and I want that to end. I want us to be happy and satisfied being together and appreciate each other for who we are without expecting something that is so far out of reach thereby making each of us miserable with each other. I want us to stop fighting with each other and instead use that energy to build each other up! I want us to be best friends and be a team as opposed to foes… we need to rebuild our trust in each other and fall in love again (cliché again, I know).
Growing closer to God probably deserves an entry all its own and I think that’s what I intend to do when I am in the right frame of mind. Right now, I am not there to comprehensively write about where I am and where I want to be.
And last but certainly not least I want to have another child. I would love to say I am pregnant already but that is not the case; I am actually on the first day of my monthly visitor as we speak… ugh. I love my son to the end of the earth and would like nothing better than to give him another brother and sister. And although my husband and I have been trying without focusing on trying nothing has happened. And here goes the viscous circle…
I don’t think I have been able to get pregnant due to my weight; I think part of the problem with my husband and my relationship is me and it is because I am unhappy with myself; I think I am unhappy with myself because I have let my weight and my healthy become so unhealthy that is does nothing but bring me down. I have allowed myself to get to a disappointed state to where I can’t enjoy the life I have and will now have to slowly begin the arduous journey of pulling myself up, wiping off the back of my pants and getting on with the life God has blessed me with.
I am blessed; I have a loving husband, a beautiful son and great job and so much more. I take my life for granted and cannot continue to do so. Currently my weight is incredibly out of hand and my mind is about on the same lines. I see pictures of folks I know – I graduated with – who look so happy, like they are enjoying life – and I don’t feel that way for myself. If anything, seeing my weight yesterday and then some of those pictures… they are at least my motivation for starting this blog.
To end on a cliché: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
To list them now and then elaborate on each seems to be the best and easiest plan of action. I would like to lose weight, get healthier which includes eating better and getting more active, I want to become certified in my line of work, grow closer with my husband and grow closer to God, and finally have another baby. Now on to my elaboration…
Let’s see: I am fat, I make no secret of that. I weighed in yesterday morning for my company's Biggest Loser challenge at 283 pounds. At this point, it is a miserably depressing and lazy kind of fat that disappoints me like none other. I always said if I let myself get as heavy as I did when I went to college that I would do something about it right away. Now, I have had a child but I do not consider that an excuse; especially considering I weigh close to what I weighed nine months pregnant – absolutely no excuse. To make matters worse, at least when I went to college I was in better shape then than I am now. I am pitifully approximately 25 to 30 pounds heavier than I was when I went for my six week check up after having my son. No wonder I am depressed. I was talking amongst friends yesterday and said I still haven’t heard the bad news – my turning point if you will – that will make me change my ways and motivate me to be a healthier person.
Great segue into my next goal – getting healthier! Not only do I know I am fat by the size clothes I wear, by looking in the mirror, by the number on the scale but I feel it! I have no inkling to do anything – NOTHING. I have to make a conscious effort when I realize I am being lazy to actually get up and do something whether it be clean my house, play with my son or anything else. To me that is sad. I don’t eat for energy, although I know I should. Does the cliché: do not live to eat but eat to live ring any bells? That is the story of my life right now. I will spend more time with a bag of chocolate than I will working out. I love going to the gym and I do it for the feeling it gives me and because I like the tone feeling and yet… I continue to sit on my couch and watch television. For me, eating healthy does not even need to be something drastic – I know this. I need to watch my portions and cut out some things… like bags of chocolate and yet I will continue feeding my face. I am anticipating the spring season and I love to be outside doing things – last year I can’t say I did that much. I want that to change… I want to be out there going for walks whenever I have a chance, hiking with my family, working in the garden, biking with my husband – there is a certain look of active health that could be difficult to describe but I know it when I see it. It’s kind of like that healthy tan you see on a person that you know they got from just doing things outside as opposed to laying out or going to a tanning salon. Aside from my rambling I want to have the healthy like I play outdoors all day long look and I obviously can’t get that from sitting on my big butt in my house, on my couch, eating bon bons.
The certified in my line of work is an easy want – I work in HR and I want to be certified as a PHR, a professional in human resources. It is actually part of my 2008 -2009 goals and I didn’t get it do to the testing schedule and so forth and I didn’t have the money so this is something I intend to accomplish during the testing period in the spring.
Growing closer to my husband – I could babble on this one forever but our relationship is like a roller coaster and I want that to end. I want us to be happy and satisfied being together and appreciate each other for who we are without expecting something that is so far out of reach thereby making each of us miserable with each other. I want us to stop fighting with each other and instead use that energy to build each other up! I want us to be best friends and be a team as opposed to foes… we need to rebuild our trust in each other and fall in love again (cliché again, I know).
Growing closer to God probably deserves an entry all its own and I think that’s what I intend to do when I am in the right frame of mind. Right now, I am not there to comprehensively write about where I am and where I want to be.
And last but certainly not least I want to have another child. I would love to say I am pregnant already but that is not the case; I am actually on the first day of my monthly visitor as we speak… ugh. I love my son to the end of the earth and would like nothing better than to give him another brother and sister. And although my husband and I have been trying without focusing on trying nothing has happened. And here goes the viscous circle…
I don’t think I have been able to get pregnant due to my weight; I think part of the problem with my husband and my relationship is me and it is because I am unhappy with myself; I think I am unhappy with myself because I have let my weight and my healthy become so unhealthy that is does nothing but bring me down. I have allowed myself to get to a disappointed state to where I can’t enjoy the life I have and will now have to slowly begin the arduous journey of pulling myself up, wiping off the back of my pants and getting on with the life God has blessed me with.
I am blessed; I have a loving husband, a beautiful son and great job and so much more. I take my life for granted and cannot continue to do so. Currently my weight is incredibly out of hand and my mind is about on the same lines. I see pictures of folks I know – I graduated with – who look so happy, like they are enjoying life – and I don’t feel that way for myself. If anything, seeing my weight yesterday and then some of those pictures… they are at least my motivation for starting this blog.
To end on a cliché: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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