So I know it has been a while since I have posted anything – I have no excuse for that as I haven’t been so busy… scratch that, I actually have been incredibly busy. But still, I didn’t make the time to write an entry and I could have… it has been the same story with everything else in my life. I definitely have a lot on my plate but still need to make a conscience effort to put me first and that doesn’t mean taking extra time to sit on the couch and put my feet up. I got my period yesterday morning so I know I am not pregnant, that said, I have another month where I need to concentrate on putting myself first and that includes food and working out. On a high note, I got on the scale and lost 4 pounds so I weighed in at 274 (which also means I had gotten back up to 278)! And the best part about this is it was the first day of my period which means I usually weigh 5 pounds more. I was pretty pumped… enough to be conscious of the food choices I was making yesterday and enough to be so excited about it that I went walking and played with my son at the park.
I have had a lot of things going on at work but more in my personal life and it has been difficult for me to deal with. I am continually thinking about my personal situation and stressing about it and I know that is not good for me and certainly not helping the situation. I have said it before and am hoping that this time I mean it but I need to take care of me and get myself healthy. I cannot nag my husband about his bad habits and bad choices if I continually feed my face and sit around the house, can I? I want to be a better example for my son and if I were to end up pregnant, I want to know that it is going to be a healthy pregnancy because I was making healthy choices before it happened.
I have three weeks left in the month of May and would like to be at 269 or lower by the end of the month. I know 5 pounds doesn’t seem like a lot but I don’t remember being that number in a long time so that’s my goal – five pounds isn’t easy for me apparently. I already have plans to workout, most likely with a video, tonight as it is just me and my son and then maybe getting up early tomorrow morning to start a morning workout regimen. If I keep putting it off until evening it doesn’t seem to be something I am getting to. Plus with it being spring and all and the weather being so nice I can’t help but get up, enjoy the sun coming up and wanting to accomplish something!
Overall, and I am sure I have said this before, I need to feel good about myself. I am tired of trying so hard for other people and getting nothing out of it. I am a confident person outside but struggle with the person I am on the inside and that is not a good mix – I feel fake. I like the cliché of I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired because it is the God’s honest truth. I don’t have the energy to do the things I want to do and I know it is affecting how I spend time with my son, how I spend time with my husband and friends and how I feel about myself and it is not fair to anyone. I am hoping through my own self motivation and prayer that I can fight this battle until I either end up pregnant or skinny!
Showing posts with label cliche. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cliche. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sounding Cliche... most likely
As I am writing this we are already three weeks into 2009 and I can’t think of anything significant that I have accomplished so far this year. And frankly, I haven’t specifically set any goals for myself thus far – I intend to change that right now. Usually, it is better for me to write them down… although my track record so far has not been outstanding when it comes to goals, including those I have written down (or typed up if I want to be precise).
To list them now and then elaborate on each seems to be the best and easiest plan of action. I would like to lose weight, get healthier which includes eating better and getting more active, I want to become certified in my line of work, grow closer with my husband and grow closer to God, and finally have another baby. Now on to my elaboration…
Let’s see: I am fat, I make no secret of that. I weighed in yesterday morning for my company's Biggest Loser challenge at 283 pounds. At this point, it is a miserably depressing and lazy kind of fat that disappoints me like none other. I always said if I let myself get as heavy as I did when I went to college that I would do something about it right away. Now, I have had a child but I do not consider that an excuse; especially considering I weigh close to what I weighed nine months pregnant – absolutely no excuse. To make matters worse, at least when I went to college I was in better shape then than I am now. I am pitifully approximately 25 to 30 pounds heavier than I was when I went for my six week check up after having my son. No wonder I am depressed. I was talking amongst friends yesterday and said I still haven’t heard the bad news – my turning point if you will – that will make me change my ways and motivate me to be a healthier person.
Great segue into my next goal – getting healthier! Not only do I know I am fat by the size clothes I wear, by looking in the mirror, by the number on the scale but I feel it! I have no inkling to do anything – NOTHING. I have to make a conscious effort when I realize I am being lazy to actually get up and do something whether it be clean my house, play with my son or anything else. To me that is sad. I don’t eat for energy, although I know I should. Does the cliché: do not live to eat but eat to live ring any bells? That is the story of my life right now. I will spend more time with a bag of chocolate than I will working out. I love going to the gym and I do it for the feeling it gives me and because I like the tone feeling and yet… I continue to sit on my couch and watch television. For me, eating healthy does not even need to be something drastic – I know this. I need to watch my portions and cut out some things… like bags of chocolate and yet I will continue feeding my face. I am anticipating the spring season and I love to be outside doing things – last year I can’t say I did that much. I want that to change… I want to be out there going for walks whenever I have a chance, hiking with my family, working in the garden, biking with my husband – there is a certain look of active health that could be difficult to describe but I know it when I see it. It’s kind of like that healthy tan you see on a person that you know they got from just doing things outside as opposed to laying out or going to a tanning salon. Aside from my rambling I want to have the healthy like I play outdoors all day long look and I obviously can’t get that from sitting on my big butt in my house, on my couch, eating bon bons.
The certified in my line of work is an easy want – I work in HR and I want to be certified as a PHR, a professional in human resources. It is actually part of my 2008 -2009 goals and I didn’t get it do to the testing schedule and so forth and I didn’t have the money so this is something I intend to accomplish during the testing period in the spring.
Growing closer to my husband – I could babble on this one forever but our relationship is like a roller coaster and I want that to end. I want us to be happy and satisfied being together and appreciate each other for who we are without expecting something that is so far out of reach thereby making each of us miserable with each other. I want us to stop fighting with each other and instead use that energy to build each other up! I want us to be best friends and be a team as opposed to foes… we need to rebuild our trust in each other and fall in love again (cliché again, I know).
Growing closer to God probably deserves an entry all its own and I think that’s what I intend to do when I am in the right frame of mind. Right now, I am not there to comprehensively write about where I am and where I want to be.
And last but certainly not least I want to have another child. I would love to say I am pregnant already but that is not the case; I am actually on the first day of my monthly visitor as we speak… ugh. I love my son to the end of the earth and would like nothing better than to give him another brother and sister. And although my husband and I have been trying without focusing on trying nothing has happened. And here goes the viscous circle…
I don’t think I have been able to get pregnant due to my weight; I think part of the problem with my husband and my relationship is me and it is because I am unhappy with myself; I think I am unhappy with myself because I have let my weight and my healthy become so unhealthy that is does nothing but bring me down. I have allowed myself to get to a disappointed state to where I can’t enjoy the life I have and will now have to slowly begin the arduous journey of pulling myself up, wiping off the back of my pants and getting on with the life God has blessed me with.
I am blessed; I have a loving husband, a beautiful son and great job and so much more. I take my life for granted and cannot continue to do so. Currently my weight is incredibly out of hand and my mind is about on the same lines. I see pictures of folks I know – I graduated with – who look so happy, like they are enjoying life – and I don’t feel that way for myself. If anything, seeing my weight yesterday and then some of those pictures… they are at least my motivation for starting this blog.
To end on a cliché: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
To list them now and then elaborate on each seems to be the best and easiest plan of action. I would like to lose weight, get healthier which includes eating better and getting more active, I want to become certified in my line of work, grow closer with my husband and grow closer to God, and finally have another baby. Now on to my elaboration…
Let’s see: I am fat, I make no secret of that. I weighed in yesterday morning for my company's Biggest Loser challenge at 283 pounds. At this point, it is a miserably depressing and lazy kind of fat that disappoints me like none other. I always said if I let myself get as heavy as I did when I went to college that I would do something about it right away. Now, I have had a child but I do not consider that an excuse; especially considering I weigh close to what I weighed nine months pregnant – absolutely no excuse. To make matters worse, at least when I went to college I was in better shape then than I am now. I am pitifully approximately 25 to 30 pounds heavier than I was when I went for my six week check up after having my son. No wonder I am depressed. I was talking amongst friends yesterday and said I still haven’t heard the bad news – my turning point if you will – that will make me change my ways and motivate me to be a healthier person.
Great segue into my next goal – getting healthier! Not only do I know I am fat by the size clothes I wear, by looking in the mirror, by the number on the scale but I feel it! I have no inkling to do anything – NOTHING. I have to make a conscious effort when I realize I am being lazy to actually get up and do something whether it be clean my house, play with my son or anything else. To me that is sad. I don’t eat for energy, although I know I should. Does the cliché: do not live to eat but eat to live ring any bells? That is the story of my life right now. I will spend more time with a bag of chocolate than I will working out. I love going to the gym and I do it for the feeling it gives me and because I like the tone feeling and yet… I continue to sit on my couch and watch television. For me, eating healthy does not even need to be something drastic – I know this. I need to watch my portions and cut out some things… like bags of chocolate and yet I will continue feeding my face. I am anticipating the spring season and I love to be outside doing things – last year I can’t say I did that much. I want that to change… I want to be out there going for walks whenever I have a chance, hiking with my family, working in the garden, biking with my husband – there is a certain look of active health that could be difficult to describe but I know it when I see it. It’s kind of like that healthy tan you see on a person that you know they got from just doing things outside as opposed to laying out or going to a tanning salon. Aside from my rambling I want to have the healthy like I play outdoors all day long look and I obviously can’t get that from sitting on my big butt in my house, on my couch, eating bon bons.
The certified in my line of work is an easy want – I work in HR and I want to be certified as a PHR, a professional in human resources. It is actually part of my 2008 -2009 goals and I didn’t get it do to the testing schedule and so forth and I didn’t have the money so this is something I intend to accomplish during the testing period in the spring.
Growing closer to my husband – I could babble on this one forever but our relationship is like a roller coaster and I want that to end. I want us to be happy and satisfied being together and appreciate each other for who we are without expecting something that is so far out of reach thereby making each of us miserable with each other. I want us to stop fighting with each other and instead use that energy to build each other up! I want us to be best friends and be a team as opposed to foes… we need to rebuild our trust in each other and fall in love again (cliché again, I know).
Growing closer to God probably deserves an entry all its own and I think that’s what I intend to do when I am in the right frame of mind. Right now, I am not there to comprehensively write about where I am and where I want to be.
And last but certainly not least I want to have another child. I would love to say I am pregnant already but that is not the case; I am actually on the first day of my monthly visitor as we speak… ugh. I love my son to the end of the earth and would like nothing better than to give him another brother and sister. And although my husband and I have been trying without focusing on trying nothing has happened. And here goes the viscous circle…
I don’t think I have been able to get pregnant due to my weight; I think part of the problem with my husband and my relationship is me and it is because I am unhappy with myself; I think I am unhappy with myself because I have let my weight and my healthy become so unhealthy that is does nothing but bring me down. I have allowed myself to get to a disappointed state to where I can’t enjoy the life I have and will now have to slowly begin the arduous journey of pulling myself up, wiping off the back of my pants and getting on with the life God has blessed me with.
I am blessed; I have a loving husband, a beautiful son and great job and so much more. I take my life for granted and cannot continue to do so. Currently my weight is incredibly out of hand and my mind is about on the same lines. I see pictures of folks I know – I graduated with – who look so happy, like they are enjoying life – and I don’t feel that way for myself. If anything, seeing my weight yesterday and then some of those pictures… they are at least my motivation for starting this blog.
To end on a cliché: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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