I was reading another motivational spark page again this morning and the girl, Feathergirl to be exact, was talking about how much she missed the happy her who she could still see in pictures… sound familiar?!? I guess I am not the only one. I get depressed when I think about the person I was during college – how much fun I had and just how comfortable I was with myself. I wasn’t skinny but I certainly wasn’t incredibly heavy and the best part was I was healthy and active and had plenty of energy. Now I no more than a bump on a log and it frustrates me. I know how Feathergirl feels… I look at pictures of myself from the end of college and when I first started dating my husband and I have a healthy glow and a twinkle in my eyes that aren’t there now. And the worst part, my struggle with my own insecurities and self image… something I haven’t experienced since I first went to college. And it SUCKS. I hate when I hear about people who are doing this or doing that and it makes me tired just to hear about it and all I want to do is take my lazy butt home and sit on the couch. Probably why I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I get out for a walk with my son cause it means I am not just sitting on my fat ass watching I could care less about on TV.
Tonight, walking with my son… there is a Lifetime movie on at 8pm that I want to watch which is even more motivation for me to get out on my walk ahead of time. And while I am watching the movie, I have full intentions of bringing out my resistance bands and attempting some toning…
The reason for my title for this entry (duh, I almost forgot all about it): Feathergirl also stated she wasn’t a quitter and neither am I. I have never quit at anything… not track in high school even though there were days I desperately wanted to; same with my last job; not school and that was thru six years of college and two degrees but it seems like I keep quitting with me. How could I let this happen? When did I decide I wasn’t important enough to stick to? To make sure I was the best me I could be and the healthiest, fittest and so on. Somewhere I quit; I gave up on myself and haven’t found the determination to put the time and effort into me that I have put into so many other things. Ugh, that makes me sick to my stomach just writing it.
Am I coming to an epiphany? Stay tuned and we shall see.
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Getting down to Business… (long)
So, where to begin after so long of not saying anything… oh, I know…. Let’s start at the very beginning. That’s right, my fat ass is still fat and lazy. Mind you, I am not disrespecting myself so much as stating the facts (in a kind of harsh tone I suppose). I weighed in this morning at 276.8 which I thought wasn’t too awful considering. I will be starting my period tomorrow – so no baby for me – and ate horribly over the weekend. Can you say ice cream? Pie? Chips and dip? Eating when I am not hungry?!?! It’s frustrating just to write this stuff down. Last night, I had every intention of picking up my son and taking him for a couple of laps at the park and what did I do? Went home and did not a damn thing. And then I told myself I would do some low key Pilates at least to make myself feel good and what did I do? Put my PJs on and called it a night.
I don’t know how I let myself get so fat and lazy but when I think about it, which I have been doing non-stop since this morning, it makes me wonder how did I get to this point. When did sitting on the couch become more important to me than taking a walk with my son? When did I choose to eat everything I wanted as opposed to having some self control over what I do? When did I decide that I COULD eat whatever I wanted?
How disappointing that I can be a perfect example of what eating poorly and lack of exercise will ultimately result. We had our weigh in again here at work but it took place in the middle of the afternoon – stupid – and I was up a little, duh because it was the middle of the afternoon, but still below my starting weight so that has to count for something. BUT is not an excuse for how I have been behaving. And now that we have my husband doing better, eating better, and not drinking nearly as much soda he has actually dropped around 15 pounds so I am being left behind… pitiful considering I have been trying to lose weight for, um, the last six years.
I do not have a choice any longer; I can no longer continue treating my body this way, letting myself get so out of touch that I eat whenever I feel like. I am out of shape to the point that I have become one of those people who is out of breath when I reach the top of the steps in my home; I could feel fatigue in my thighs from simply taking the garbage can to the end of the driveway and then walking back up the incline (which is not the difficult). I don’t understand the pattern but no that I will lose three or four pounds and then gain them all back plus one or two. I try to remember what I felt like to weigh 175/180 when I graduated college; to wear size 10/12 pants and dresses – to actually wear dresses and feel comfortable doing so; to cross my legs comfortably and without one or both going numb from lack of circulation. Right now, I would like to remember the weight I was following the birth of my son – the six week check up where I was between 245 and 250 – seriously! Funny, back then that was a horrible weight and I wanted to lose and now I would kill to be back to that weight.
More tomorrow as it is nearing the end of my day but seriously… I have a lot more thinking to do and it will probably show up in my post tomorrow (I need to be more serious about a lot of things that I have been lazy about, including getting some posts up to completely journal my thoughts, feelings and journey).
Last note: I believe we may end up going to my husband’s company picnic in June (?) which is held at an amusement park. I am currently around the same weight, or a little higher, than I was when we went to an amusement park in September and I couldn’t hardly fit into the roller coaster rides… I don’t want to have that experience again so my goal is to get a lot fitter and lose 10 – 20 pounds within the next two months. I am afraid as I have set goals for myself before and haven’t even come close – as a matter of fact, gone backwards – but I can’t not do it this time, as I said before, I have no choice…. My health, my life and my everything is on the line.
I don’t know how I let myself get so fat and lazy but when I think about it, which I have been doing non-stop since this morning, it makes me wonder how did I get to this point. When did sitting on the couch become more important to me than taking a walk with my son? When did I choose to eat everything I wanted as opposed to having some self control over what I do? When did I decide that I COULD eat whatever I wanted?
How disappointing that I can be a perfect example of what eating poorly and lack of exercise will ultimately result. We had our weigh in again here at work but it took place in the middle of the afternoon – stupid – and I was up a little, duh because it was the middle of the afternoon, but still below my starting weight so that has to count for something. BUT is not an excuse for how I have been behaving. And now that we have my husband doing better, eating better, and not drinking nearly as much soda he has actually dropped around 15 pounds so I am being left behind… pitiful considering I have been trying to lose weight for, um, the last six years.
I do not have a choice any longer; I can no longer continue treating my body this way, letting myself get so out of touch that I eat whenever I feel like. I am out of shape to the point that I have become one of those people who is out of breath when I reach the top of the steps in my home; I could feel fatigue in my thighs from simply taking the garbage can to the end of the driveway and then walking back up the incline (which is not the difficult). I don’t understand the pattern but no that I will lose three or four pounds and then gain them all back plus one or two. I try to remember what I felt like to weigh 175/180 when I graduated college; to wear size 10/12 pants and dresses – to actually wear dresses and feel comfortable doing so; to cross my legs comfortably and without one or both going numb from lack of circulation. Right now, I would like to remember the weight I was following the birth of my son – the six week check up where I was between 245 and 250 – seriously! Funny, back then that was a horrible weight and I wanted to lose and now I would kill to be back to that weight.
More tomorrow as it is nearing the end of my day but seriously… I have a lot more thinking to do and it will probably show up in my post tomorrow (I need to be more serious about a lot of things that I have been lazy about, including getting some posts up to completely journal my thoughts, feelings and journey).
Last note: I believe we may end up going to my husband’s company picnic in June (?) which is held at an amusement park. I am currently around the same weight, or a little higher, than I was when we went to an amusement park in September and I couldn’t hardly fit into the roller coaster rides… I don’t want to have that experience again so my goal is to get a lot fitter and lose 10 – 20 pounds within the next two months. I am afraid as I have set goals for myself before and haven’t even come close – as a matter of fact, gone backwards – but I can’t not do it this time, as I said before, I have no choice…. My health, my life and my everything is on the line.
Friday, January 23, 2009
More thoughts after the last couple of days...
I am feeling so frustrated with myself today, urgh. After so many years of trying to lose weight, one would think that I should have it down by this point. I should know the principles; I should be sick and tired of being fat and feeling it. And yet, here I sit – my belly too fat to fit in my jeans so it is uncomfortably hanging over the top (I know, not a pretty picture). I am bloated, feeling like a slug and yet – did that stop me today from indulging in a piece of chocolate… no, it did not. And so now one of my most frustrating struggles is figuring out why I continue to eat when it is not something I want to do and to top it off, I can consciously recognize when I am eating and shouldn’t be and yet still cannot stop myself. Last night for example, I made a big pot of homemade beef stew out of leftover pot roast and I tore it up. I mean I had two and a half bowls even though I was full after the first. Now, common practice would be for me to ask myself how I was feeling… as if this feeling is what made me continue to eat. I was feeling just fine; not too sad, wasn’t feeling stressed I was actually feeling pretty good. I had a good day at work, got home and took a walk with my husband and son and then made the stew. And I enjoyed the stew – as a matter of fact I really enjoyed the stew. The only I ended up feeling was guilty about the fact that I had eaten too much. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know I weigh an incredible amount – when I weighed in for our company program I weighed as much as I did when I was full term with my son. I am disgusted with myself but not enough so to do something about it. I have the best of intentions and yet it is getting me nowhere.
The fact that this situation doesn’t make sense to me pisses me off. I am a smart woman, two college degrees and I can handle practically any and everything but am unable to handle myself. And it is simple; eat a certain number of calories and try to move every day and yet I am stuck. The worst part is I have let myself get to this point and now I don’t have the energy to get myself out of it. I like to go to the gym; I like going for walks and I like all food which includes healthy food and yet here I sit.
I am going to look online right now to see if there is anything there that will help trigger my motivation… get me going so to speak. Give me hope – I think there is a part of me that wants to succeed and another part of me that doesn’t think I can, that gets in the way.
I am just incredibly frustrated right now.
The fact that this situation doesn’t make sense to me pisses me off. I am a smart woman, two college degrees and I can handle practically any and everything but am unable to handle myself. And it is simple; eat a certain number of calories and try to move every day and yet I am stuck. The worst part is I have let myself get to this point and now I don’t have the energy to get myself out of it. I like to go to the gym; I like going for walks and I like all food which includes healthy food and yet here I sit.
I am going to look online right now to see if there is anything there that will help trigger my motivation… get me going so to speak. Give me hope – I think there is a part of me that wants to succeed and another part of me that doesn’t think I can, that gets in the way.
I am just incredibly frustrated right now.
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