Getting down to Business… (long)

So, where to begin after so long of not saying anything… oh, I know…. Let’s start at the very beginning. That’s right, my fat ass is still fat and lazy. Mind you, I am not disrespecting myself so much as stating the facts (in a kind of harsh tone I suppose). I weighed in this morning at 276.8 which I thought wasn’t too awful considering. I will be starting my period tomorrow – so no baby for me – and ate horribly over the weekend. Can you say ice cream? Pie? Chips and dip? Eating when I am not hungry?!?! It’s frustrating just to write this stuff down. Last night, I had every intention of picking up my son and taking him for a couple of laps at the park and what did I do? Went home and did not a damn thing. And then I told myself I would do some low key Pilates at least to make myself feel good and what did I do? Put my PJs on and called it a night.

I don’t know how I let myself get so fat and lazy but when I think about it, which I have been doing non-stop since this morning, it makes me wonder how did I get to this point. When did sitting on the couch become more important to me than taking a walk with my son? When did I choose to eat everything I wanted as opposed to having some self control over what I do? When did I decide that I COULD eat whatever I wanted?

How disappointing that I can be a perfect example of what eating poorly and lack of exercise will ultimately result. We had our weigh in again here at work but it took place in the middle of the afternoon – stupid – and I was up a little, duh because it was the middle of the afternoon, but still below my starting weight so that has to count for something. BUT is not an excuse for how I have been behaving. And now that we have my husband doing better, eating better, and not drinking nearly as much soda he has actually dropped around 15 pounds so I am being left behind… pitiful considering I have been trying to lose weight for, um, the last six years.

I do not have a choice any longer; I can no longer continue treating my body this way, letting myself get so out of touch that I eat whenever I feel like. I am out of shape to the point that I have become one of those people who is out of breath when I reach the top of the steps in my home; I could feel fatigue in my thighs from simply taking the garbage can to the end of the driveway and then walking back up the incline (which is not the difficult). I don’t understand the pattern but no that I will lose three or four pounds and then gain them all back plus one or two. I try to remember what I felt like to weigh 175/180 when I graduated college; to wear size 10/12 pants and dresses – to actually wear dresses and feel comfortable doing so; to cross my legs comfortably and without one or both going numb from lack of circulation. Right now, I would like to remember the weight I was following the birth of my son – the six week check up where I was between 245 and 250 – seriously! Funny, back then that was a horrible weight and I wanted to lose and now I would kill to be back to that weight.

More tomorrow as it is nearing the end of my day but seriously… I have a lot more thinking to do and it will probably show up in my post tomorrow (I need to be more serious about a lot of things that I have been lazy about, including getting some posts up to completely journal my thoughts, feelings and journey).

Last note: I believe we may end up going to my husband’s company picnic in June (?) which is held at an amusement park. I am currently around the same weight, or a little higher, than I was when we went to an amusement park in September and I couldn’t hardly fit into the roller coaster rides… I don’t want to have that experience again so my goal is to get a lot fitter and lose 10 – 20 pounds within the next two months. I am afraid as I have set goals for myself before and haven’t even come close – as a matter of fact, gone backwards – but I can’t not do it this time, as I said before, I have no choice…. My health, my life and my everything is on the line.

Another Week, Another Weigh-In, Another Ramble

We had our Biggest Loser weigh-ins on Tuesday and I didn’t gain anything which is always good… I lost two pounds for what it’s worth. I could complain that it was the beginning of that time of the month but at the same time I could argue the opposite in that, for every weigh in, it has been at the beginning of that time of the month!

I am glad I didn’t lose but was feeling much better the week prior and know my numbers would have looked a lot better. I want to lose 10 pounds for the last weigh in… that will be a total of 15 pounds I think. I know, I want to lose double what I have lost in the last eight weeks but I am okay with that. I have been eating pretty well and more active this week than I have been in the last, well, eight weeks.

This has been yet another month where I ended up not pregnant (which ended up being a good thing considering events last night that I rather not get into right now) but still… when I think about how we have been kind of trying for the last four or five months with nothing if I could have lost at least seven pounds each month I would be 30 – 35 pounds lighter right now. So I am disappointed in myself and once things get in a little more order at home over the next couple of weeks I am really going to focus on myself. The weather is getting nicer and it makes me feel good just to be outside. We have bicycles now and I really enjoyed the ride we took this week so I need to get more used to the bike. Plus, I want to start running again – nothing spectacular but I would like to be able to run four or five miles without it killing me and right now I think a quarter mile would kill me!

I weighed myself this morning and it was 274.4 which kind of surprised me but I am chalking it up to still be that time of the month and being bloated. That said I am planning on not weighing in for a while and going by the way my clothes fit me; right now they are fitting better… my clothes are looser and so are some of my shirts. I need to go shopping for pants since I obviously cannot wear corduroys during the spring but would like go down one size; I am currently a 22 and would like to shop for 20s so we will see as I am in desperate need for clothes, especially pants, and don’t know if I will be able to wait until I am down a size.

Oh well, we’re going to the in-laws this weekend and it always screws up my eating…

Not Too Shabby

So, after my weight had gone up a couple of pounds – which didn’t surprise me as I had been bloated and feeling somewhat constipated – it went back down to 271.4; I am hoping to be around 265 – 268 by next Tuesday morning for the weigh in here at work.

I feel like I am incredibly conscious of what I have been eating and how much and trying to make healthier choices. I had bought a couple of bottles of sparkling water and it is delicious and it is a nice alternative when I am more in the mood for soda. I am really trying to pay close attention to portion sizes as I think that is one of the biggest challenges I have. In addition to that, giving up the chocolate candy hasn’t been easy but I think has made a huge difference.

A lot of the bloating has gone away, I have more energy and my pants are fitting me looser – all giving me motivation… yay! I have 2.6 pounds to lose and then I will get myself new sneakers as these pounds or so have been the hardest thing I have ever had to do – and this from a woman who has given birth. I have lost and gain this weight so many times that I would be skinny if it was all loss :) That said, while we were hiking/ walking on Saturday my foot really started bothering me because my sneaks were not giving me near enough support… I am going to start looking up some good sneakers online so I am prepared when it is my turn to buy!

I am looking forward to an awesome week – although five pounds may be a stretch that is my goal. (the only thing I am scared about is hubby is going away for the weekend and I enjoy eating when I am alone – yikes!)

Snow Day!

Ugh. Bad day… I am having somewhat of a snow day today. We got plenty of snow last night and this morning so I decided I would work from home as opposed to trying to take my son out in it and due to the fact it was continuing to snow; we probably got another 3 – 4 inches. I love the snow and have actually taken advantage of being home not only by getting a lot of work done but also some stuff around the house and spending time with my little man. On top of that, I dressed this morning to work out and then decided to burn my calories outside instead. I worked up a good sweat and really got my heartbeat going between cleaning off the front steps and porch, then the deck, and the half of our driveway… once my son wakes up from his nap, I intend to go outside and finish the rest of the driveway.

Of course, aside from my son though, I am home alone which is my trigger to eat. So far today I have had a can of beefaroni, two slices of bread with country crock, a serving of BBQ potato chips and a serving of peanut butter cup ice cream. I did not eat breakfast which I think is part of my problem plus, like I said, I am home alone. I think the other problem is I can’t figure out what I am hungry for… so I feel like I will continue to graze until I am able to figure out what I want – that sucks. I don’t want to put on additional weight after the weight I have lost… ack. I have enjoyed my snow and I think I am now ready to go back to work; I need to go back to work just to avoid eating here at home – LOL.

Oh well, what can I say. Aside from the eating thing I am enjoying my day and hoping it takes its good old time.

Loss!

I weighed in this morning at a whopping 271.6 pounds – down 1.8 pounds (I was 273.4)! I knew – I could feel it as a matter of fact because my stomach was less bloated and I felt like I could suck it in further.

And then, this morning, when I usually would have eaten four frozen waffles – toasted of course – I only had two and I was done with them. I find, that my dilemma now is not know what I am hungry for which it makes it difficult to figure out what I want to eat while at the same time making healthy choices AND if I am unable to figure out what I want to eat and then I get too hungry I end up splurging. This is something I will have to work on; as I sit here I intend to look thru my recipe books and some recipe websites for some tasty ideas.

Oh well, I need to peruse the recipes and actually get a work out in today!

New Month; New Goals

It is like spring time outside – I think that is great. When the winter sucks – and our winter has; hardly any snow, it didn’t get too cold that much – it just makes me ready for spring. Fresh green leaves on the trees, flowers coming up… everything. Now granted it will only last for about a day; it is supposed to rain tonight and then get colder for the rest of the week. Sigh

Well, anyway, I am feeling really good. Lent started on Wednesday and I gave up chocolate candy and intend to work out for a half hour at least three times a week. I actually am doing okay with the chocolate candy thing; I don’t know if it is because I know I can have other chocolate if need be or what but I get a hankering every now and then and then it is gone. And to date – I know it has only been a little over two days – but I haven’t had any chocolate so I feel like that is a small accomplishment all by itself. To top it off, I have been paying more attention to my food portions, especially in the last week or two, and I can tell it is doing something. I have lost three pounds since the last weigh in here at work and it could possible be more. Jeans that were too tight around the waist a couple of weeks ago have loosened and are actually comfortable to wear again. I can’t wait ‘til they are falling off.

With the spring weather it has me thinking of the summer weather too… I don’t want to be a fatty for the summer. I’m being graphic here but sweat in my back fat rolls is not a pretty picture. I want to have jeans that are comfortable to wear; I want to have legs and arms that are toned for shorts and t-shirts… I don’t have to be skinny but I want to at least look strong and healthy in whatever size fits me. PLUS I want to have energy to enjoy the summer without feeling blah and lazy the whole time… So I am feeling good. A lot less bloated, a bit more energy and very conscious of what I am doing and not doing.

Tomorrow is the last day of the month and I was weighing in around 273 – I have been stuck between this number and 276 for the last few months and I am ready to get past it in a downward direction… I am thinking I would like to be below 260 by the end of March. This is about 13 pounds which is about 3 pounds per week and I am fine with that. Who knows what will happen within that month but that is my goal. I will be hitting the grocery store, most likely on Monday, to ensure I am stocked up for healthy eating and I have some new recipes I would like to try and I have to start working out whether it be walking or getting to the gym. By rights I am a big girl and initially – if I really put my mind to it – I should be able to lose more than 13 pounds because I know my body and it typically responds well to healthy changes and I experience a big drop within a couple of weeks but I am not counting on it this time because I am afraid I have seriously screwed up my metabolism; so after some research and reading some articles that will be the other thing I concentrate on while working out… some metabolism boosting exercises to get my body back up and running.

Oh well, that is all for now – hoping for a good weekend and the strength and motivation to stick with my goals!

Lent is coming...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I don’t know why but when I say this verse it sounds almost cliché to me… or too simple. And yet, I feel stronger today than I did yesterday and I want to have faith that I will be accomplish every and anything – of course, most specifically, I want to be fit and healthy while at the same time achieving a manageable weight.

I weighed in this morning for our Biggest Loser competition here at work and I lost three pounds. Yes, it is a loss but that was in four weeks time – big deal. That is less than one pound per week which is disappointing in a way; I could have gained as I changed my eating habits some but not much more than that.

I feel refocused though and am looking forward to the next four weeks. Lent starts next Wednesday and not only will I be giving up chocolate (or at least chocolate candy) but I will also commit to working out at least three times per week at 45 minutes each time. After doing some research – and in all the successful weight loss stories and blogs you read the person did their research – I have come to the conclusion that at this point my metabolism is sitting at null. I could probably starve myself for the next five days and gain a pound, seriously! So I know increasing my water intake, continuing to take my vitamins and getting my body in motion while still paying attention to what I am eating needs to be the trick.

I think the getting my body moving part is really what is missing and I hate to think how out of shape I have let myself get. I was writing a journal entry at home because I needed to get my thoughts on paper and I noticed some things that are distressing to say the least… heart palpitations, labored breathing from climbing a flight of steps, hardly any activity on my part… and it all seems to be a vicious circle. I am feeling lazy so I won’t get up and take a walk, I won’t take a walk so my body has no energy and as a result I end up lazy. I have to kick this in the butt… My husband deserves a healthier example, my son deserves a healthy and energetic mom and damn it! I deserve better!!!

So, as part of my Lent commitment, I will be keeping God/ Christ in the forefront – thru praying and so on in order to achieve my goals. And who better to have as a supporter?